사랑해

current location: work cubicle

current mood: happy

current song: 비 - 널 붙잡을 노래(Love Song)

been a while i havent been to my blog, wonder what's happening in Vox.

ごめんね！

been in high spirits lately, i don't know why. okay that was only 2 days ago, i've been feeling terrible during the weekends actually. hmmm....oh well.

so many things have happened lately. i'm back to school. ah geez, this freaking module..with a new lecturer. What was his name again? Alan? ahhh....he's a pervert i tell ya. And he likes to pick on me. Sheesh.....I'm lucky that Marcus backed me up when Alan keeps calling my name. His lectures are utterly boring, i dont know how i can go on being in his class for my last 2 modules. But yesterday's lesson was somewhat fun, apparently most of us are silently making fun of him. Hahaha...yet Alan still doesn't know it was being directed to him. Buahaha!!!

WE ARE SOOO MEAN. yeah i know! XD

i wonder how leon is doing over there. I'm sure you're having a nice vacation over there. I was worried when he said he had tummy ache last night, haha...this is the problem if you dont see what you eat in particular. Seriously, not all food sold in Malaysia is really clean. The food vendors do prepare the food without using gloves and tongs ya know? I always get tummy problems whenever i go to Malaysia. I just dont know why, either my stomach can't accept Malaysian food or that little stomach is too sensitive.

I finally told Vincent that i'm resigning. I can read from his face that he felt disappointed. But what am i to do? It's time to move on Lena. I know what he is thinking inside, but oh well. These kinda things, i shouldn't really get bothered. I should concentrate on building my future. I don't wanna think about anything else. I'm creating my own happiness and for my own future security. I'm not showing my capabilities to others but i'm only doing this for myself. I mean no one else knows exactly what i want and expect in life. It's easy to say you have a purpose in life but the drive in order to make it succeed? Very few accomplish that. At times, you gotta put on a bold front and put on elephant skin to acquire something, there's no last resort but you just have to do it you know? These are real entrepreneurs. That's why i look up to these people, i don't know whether i can be like those people one day. 

Bottom line is to stay focused, and always listen to what others say. Open your ears.

Too bad Alan is a lousy lecturer, or else i'll be benefiting from this current module. For God's sake, it's a management module where you learn and study about organizational behaviors and people trends. And he isn't helping at all. I can't hope for Anand to get back, he's lecturing on MBA classes now. I was just about to enquire on my new job scope, should i require assistance. He's my alternative if i need help. This is a stepping stone for me and i can't let it go to waste. Maybe i should complain to the school again for hiring him, i wouldn't to pay my fees for a lousy lecturer, not benefiting from anything and wasting my time just for nothing.

So long as nothing comes in my way, i'll just keep going forward. This new job will be a totally new experience for me, it will be very stressful but i can do it. I'm just afraid of getting ironed on by the people over there. Damn, 4 field supervisors who are much more older than me will be under me, right that's one thing. Being able to write quality control reports and reporting to 4 key heads of the company is another thing. Strategize and to come up with new policies to ease data collection and processing is yet another hurdle. Going on-site to do qc validation of the field supervisors and interviewers is another one, alright that will be the easiest thing to go since i did that before, thats the only outdoor work i can look forward to. I dont think it's similar as being in the client servicing where you gotta present your after-findings and report to your client. Lastly...managing the whole QC department,,,damn...this is like a manager post! okay not really, maybe i added too much on that. If OM isn't around, i'm the second key person in the department. It's like doing QC role and also managing my people. It will be tough but i can do it.

I shan't be disturbed especially within 3 months of my new career...once i make it in MP, i'll make my way to AC. That's my ultimate destination, being a Field Director in there. Obviously i can't be the CEO, it's a British company...i don't really have the caliber to be on that chair.  Haha...i think by that time, i'll be better than Dad. That's my bet, i will make it there. I don't know how or what...but i will make it a point i will be there. Dad said i can do it, he really has faith in me. I don't want to show them what i can do but even if i make it, i'll share my happiness with them. I want them to see when i wear that hat and holding my graduation cert, my first ever discovered theory when i've completed my PhD, bring them over to my office when im at my highest peak position, to share with them when i have reached self-actualization, telling them the time for me to make money has ended but rather telling them i am happy and satisfied with my life and career and i am ready to settle down with them in a nice country and take good care of them. That's my dream, My only dream. Because i know, without them...i would not be able to come this far and be granted to live in this world to prove to them that they wont regret bringing me up with so much love and utmost care.

People might think that i am selfish, of putting my whole attention towards them but i dont pay heed to these. Because they are the ones who don't really know how to appreciate what the real meaning of love and family bond is. I was always told that love...when you say i love you, it's only meant for one thing. God. It's the reason why you love him, that you are faithful to him and your religion. I've come to understand that. You can say that you're a good follower, believer of something but to what extent do you actually know what you're having faith on? One day, when the real time comes...i will come to embrace that...to finally understand what is it to love yourself, love your brothers, love your religion and God. I've attended so many faith talks and listened to various religious leaders and followers on their understanding of their own religion. Yes i do my research but i realized that there are so many missing pieces here and there. I will get to it one day, when i'm being given the light...i will embrace it. I wont live my life on this earth for nothing, there must be a million reason why i'm being given a chance to live. But when i say i live my life to the fullest, i will. I know i'm not really a good person or a bad person either. I admit that i've done so many wrongful things and maybe in the facets of religion-wise...it is a sin. But i wouldn't do anything to put shame on my family, i know they have taught me good values and i can never bring them down. Just like what i have done with KM, yes we didn't do anything really intimate and i almost thought i got pregnant...isn't that bringing shame to my parents? What would they do and feel if they were to know? He is not even legally married to me. How can i let someone touch me just like that? And why did i say yes to him? Now you know why i feel dirty when such things happen? Why i feel guilty? Now you know why i call him despicable jerk. These are the kind of men whom i lose respect because they don't even carry themselves as being man. Forget about calling yourself being a good man or gentle-man when you don't even know how to portray yourself well. You can't even lead your own life properly, practise good habits and do things to make others comfortable; you are not fit to be called a man. When you say you love her, you promise her a good marriage life. Being able to be there for her, to shower her with love and care, to help her rise again when she falls, to teach her things that she doesn't know and to guide her along if she goes the wrong way. How do you expect a husband to be there for you when you don't feel safe with him, feel insecure with him, when his eyes are on other girls when he's with you, when he does things unfavorable and makes you feel awkward or uncomfortable. If he does it once, it's alright..maybe he doesn't know..but if he does it all the time, isn't he doing it on purpose or has he just forgotten the love and promise he has made to you? Or maybe he's secretly using you. For a dirty reason of course.  Such feelings is natural between a male and female but where does self-control and containment falls in place? If this happens between a husband and wife, it's alright...but between those who aren't? And considering those who have premarital sex? It's just wrong. This is why i don't really trust men, let alone to get married. I can just happily think of a blissful marriage but what are the choices you have when you land in an unhappy one?

This is life for you, for a fact. 

I'm talk too much. Well that's enough since i haven't been writing in here for quite awhile. 

マットよパンダ。=* I will wait for you...

DJ Alena signing out!

* credits today goes to DJ Duarte, 岩瀬, Rain and of course my hubby.

Song for today...

널 붙잡을 노래(Love Song)

비

Because it's so nice, pure and too much feeling inside. If only all girls can get this kind of lover, i would want of course. 

사랑해 비...

I am roaming around your house once again today
I'm getting mad, It's really difficult for me, it's really difficult for me, like this

But I can't do anything about it
It's too late to change your heart
It's the end it's too late
Now

The hand that was once used to my body is now pushing me away
What shall I do What shall I do
The breath of yours has gone by I still love you
What shall I do What shall I do
Please, Oh Please comeback

I think of you, i keep thinking of you
I can't hold your hands like I did in the past
I like you too much
I can't forget anything about you
This song is a song that can't hold onto you

The hand that was once used to my body is now pushing me away
What shall I do What shall I do
The breath of yours has gone by I still love you
What shall I do What shall I do

Those eyes that used to meet me
Just look at me again, those eyes
Want to tell me it? That you still love me

The hand that was once used to my body is now pushing me away
What shall I do What shall I do
The breath of yours has gone by I still love you
What shall I do What shall I do

Please, Oh Please I love you

Comments

[Leon]

[this is good] when you say that you dont trust men, I know I'm the only exception =]
cool song...I hope I can be the kinda lover that you are looking for, my love.
I truly hope that I can and will be the guy you have been looking for all your life. the guy who shows you how it truly feels to love and be loved..cause that's all I got for you, baby, love love and love of love =]
*muacks*

the part in purple where you said "I will wait for you"..I will wait for you too, my princess =]

[Leon]

aint no clothes allowed here? XD